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The thoughts are provided by the narrator and main character, Anastasia Steele, who is a twenty-one-year-old American woman as well as such a clueless, self-absorbed ninny that you, the reader, find yourself wishing that you still smoked so you would have a cigarette lighter handy and thus could set fire to certain pages, especially the ones where Anastasia is telling you about her “inner goddess.” This is a hyperactive imaginary being—I keep picturing Tinker Bell—who reacts in a variety of ways to the many dramatic developments in Anastasia’s life, as we see in these actual quotes: That’s right: Her inner goddess, in addition to dancing, cheerleading, pole vaulting, etc., apparently keeps furniture inside Anastasia’s head. Lest we forget this crucial fact, Anastasia remarks on Christian’s handsomeness at least once every two pages.

Unfortunately, this means there is little room left for Anastasia’s brain, which, to judge from her thought process, is about the size of a walnut. Her inner goddess repeatedly s—s her tiny imaginary leotard over the hotness of this man.

As a result of these experiences, men come to believe—and this belief is reinforced throughout their dating lives as they get shot down more often than the Egyptian Air Force—that women are nowhere near as interested in sex as they are; that women are capable, somehow, of not thinking about sex for entire minutes at a time. This is the book written by female British author “E. James” that became a huge bestseller, devoured by pretty much every woman on Earth except my wife (or so she claims).I think I might be the only man who read this book. The book is over five hundred pages long and the whole thing is written like that.So men exist in a state of perpetual confusion about when, exactly, human females are receptive to the idea of having sex.Men wish that women had some kind of clear signaling mechanism, as is found in other species. Years ago I had a female German shepherd puppy named Shawna.I would describe it, literary genre–wise, as “a porno book.” But it’s not the kind of porno men are accustomed to.


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